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Thursday, November 11, 2004


Relationship Derailment

Relationship derailment is a troubling phenomenon. However, it's time for the death of finger pointing.

I don't want to hear, "But, you don't know what he or she did!" Blame in a healthy love relationship doesn't work!

There is a payoff for everything you do. The payoff for pointing a finger at your partner and blaming him/her for your relationship condition is: you don't have to take responsibility for your share of the problem.

Relationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.

Perhaps your relationship deserves a powerful new focus.

Ideally, having a partner who understands the concept of team and the responsibility that goes with it contributes greatly to creating an greater attitude of team, which sheds light on solutions instead of keeping the focus on the problem.

True love allows for disagreements. Acknowledging when you are wrong is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.

If your relationship is off track, the cost of complacency is obviously substantial. Waiting for your partner to "come around," may prove futile. Go first. You must take the first step while you are still afraid. Doing so helps to inoculate your relationship against a relapse.

Your relationship priorities are clear now, right? Go first and do what's right! It will make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, your life work better and you will be closer to your heart's desire; a healthy love relationship.

Your comments are always welcome!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


Unfulfilled Expectations

We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a problem; a problem we create by our expectations.

Try this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not easy. Simple.

No expectations equal unconditional love. We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up, we either chose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.

"Okay," you say, "that's nice, but everyone has expectations!" Perhaps.

Today's lesson to learn is this: unfulfilled expectations always cause problems. Think about it. Your most recent issue with your partner relates in some way to an expectation that you had that didn't get fulfilled. Right?

Instead of being consistently confused by what you "expect" from your partner (and seldom get), focus and communicate your "needs." Most people do not do this. First, "you" must be clear about what you need from the relationship. Second, let your partner in on your little secret.

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.

In my experience as a relationship coach, I would rate "unfulfilled expectations" as number 2 in a list of relationship problems.

What are your comments on this?


Welcome from Larry James

You are welcome to post your thoughts, ideas, observations, insights, commentary, suggestions and tips about relationships that will contribute to the relationships of others. Give thought to what you will say before you say it. Any topic is okay as long as you show respect for the thoughts and feelings of others. I will post various thoughts about relationships as time permits. Time does not permit me to answer relationship questions on this blog.

Private one-on-one relationship coaching is available if you have relationship issues you need to discuss with Larry James. Go to: Relationship Coaching for details and fees.

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