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New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?
Alone again? Perhaps it's time to invent a new beginning. A little "solitary refinement" will help. You can do that
most effectively by working on you; preparing for love. . . alone.
There is no shame in starting over.
How do you work on YOU? You begin by paying attention to what you need to be fulfilled as an individual. Focus on YOU! Self inquire!
Here are a few questions to help you get started. Are you happy? Sad?
Disappointed in where you are in the relationship you have with yourself?
Angry? Resentful? When you are alone, do you feel lonely? Are you always
blaming others for what happens to you? Do you have regrets or guilt about
the last relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped it would?
Do you know that something is missing in your life and you are not quite sure what it is?
Are you always looking back?
Do you know what it feels like to live in the present; to really be present to what is going on?
Do you know specifically what you NEED from a relationship? (Have you really ever thought seriously about that? Make a list.)
Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Do you continue to attract the same kind of people from one
relationship to the next? Have you yet to reach a point where it becomes pointless to complain because
you now know that relationships are what YOU make of them? Have you lost touch with the spiritual side of things?
Have you forgotten to be grateful for what you do have instead of feeling
resentful for what you have lost? Do you know down deep inside that there
must be something better?
These are just a few questions you can answer that will cause you to begin to understand that no matter
how hopeless or how great things appear to be, they can always be better.
What else can you do? Get totally honest with yourself. Start holding
yourself accountable for who you are in the matter; how you feel about the way things are. When you do,
you will learn that it is time to stop blaming your former love partner and start taking full responsibility for
YOUR share of the problems that caused the break-up in the first place.
Relationship problems are NEVER only
one person's fault. If they affect you, the problems are shared problems. If you are together, you can work
on them together. If you are alone again, you must work on them alone. Of course, you can choose not to, and there are consequences.
When you decide (and only WHEN you decide) to do something different, you must promise yourself (a promise you
intend to keep) that you will do everything within your power to be happy instead of holding on to being right.
In other words, discontinue justifying what doesn't work and begin to do something different.
Is there more you can do? Read good books about relationships that stimulate your thinking; that inspire you to a
better way of living. Attend seminars and workshops, not just about relationships, but those that empower you to
change the way you have been. That's the smart choice because the old way didn't work very well, did it?
This could also mean dropping a few of your loser friends. You know who they are. Hanging around people who bring
you down does not support a healthy love relationship with you or anyone else. Become involved in a support group;
one that supports you in being a better you; one that uplifts your spirit.
Begin to journal. Get honest with how you FEEL about things; how things
"really are" instead of how you "think" they are. Write it all down. Be
honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening
right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past.
Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you
cannot change, keeps you stuck. To begin again; to really move ahead, you
must work on YOU! Let go of the past.
What are the benefits of working on YOU? One of the rewards for working on
you is that you begin to feel good about who you are! You begin to love you
again! Not the self-centered love that distracts you from being loving to
others, but a genuine love-of-self; the kind of love you can share with
Loving yourself for who you are causes you to feel like a whole person again. When this occurs, you may be ready for another relationship. . . when it shows up. Not before. Unless you work toward this magic moment, you may always continue to be disappointed with the relationships that show up in your life. Opposites do not attract. That's a myth. Remember, like
attracts like. You attract to yourself that which you are. You always have. You always will.
If you cannot handle the most important relationship in your life - the one
you have with yourself - then you will never be able to truly relate to a
relationship with two people in it.
We spent so much of our time being concerned about the relationship we are in with someone else, that we forget about ourselves. This is called "losing yourself in the relationship." This can never be a healthy way of being.
Working on yourself takes discipline, determination and doing something
different. For lasting change; the kind of change that makes a difference,
you must "change your behavior."
The relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with
others takes intentional effort. This, we know is true: "We must work on
relationships ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be
fixed!" Relationships should never become a struggle. They become a struggle when someone is not pulling their fair share of the load.
It is difficult to feel good about yourself, when you know you are letting
your love partner down by not giving yourself your full attention. You take
care of you - your partner does the same. It's difficult, if not impossible, to pay attention to the overall relationship unless you both know how to focus attention on yourselves first. Two broken people can't fix each other.
You only have the choice to fix you! To invent a new beginning, you must
first acknowledge the problems that require solutions. To fix yourself, you
must never stray from the path of self-discovery. You must always know where you stand with yourself. The only way you can do this is to be attentive to, and intentional about having the best relationship with yourself that is humanly possible.
When you are ready; when you have given yourself adequate time to prepare for love again. . . a relationship with someone else will be there. You will find each other.
Imagine the possibilities? Two whole, healthy people, together! Each feeling good about themselves; loving themselves and sharing that love with each other. Can you imagine both love partners working on the relationship they have with each other and supporting each other in their own personal growth?
If you believe it, really believe it, and make sure you are always doing the
best you can to cause it to be this way. . . anything is possible!
What to do? Don't waste time. Begin again. . . now! Never stop working on
Copyright © - Larry James.
If you would like to talk
one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a
private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching
for specific details.
Relationship books by Larry James:
How to Really Love the One You're With:
Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship
LoveNotes for Lovers:
Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing
Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers (Career Assurance Press).
Author Larry James is a professional speaker. He presents "Relationship Enrichment LoveShops" nationally for singles and couples.
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