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Larry James Here's something to think about. . . I've been wondering what it is that causes someone to treat their friends much better than the one they say they love? This has got to stop if you want a "healthy" relationship. What ever happened to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Rarely does anyone get what they need from a relationship when their only intention is to criticize their lover for mistakes or to offer assistance that is not asked for. If you are in a relationship for the long haul, it would be wise to treat your partner with respect and demonstrate your love in thoughtful ways. Your partner is suppose to be your best friend. Treat them the way you would like to be treated. Allow them to be who they are. Love them for who they are not for who you think they should be. Catch them doing somthing right and show some appreciation instead of always focusing on the what's wrong with them and then telling them. Prepetuate the positive! Cherish what matters! Move past what doesn't. Hmmmm. Maybe, just maybe, it's not them! You are connected to them. Could there be a slight possibility that you are part of the problem? I'm guessing the answer is, "Yes!" Relationship problems are shared problems. Seldom is it ever only one persons fault. Nagging is perception. It may or may not be nagging. It may be perceived that way based upon the way you are feeling about yourself at the moment. Saying things to your partner that you wouldn't be caught dead saying to a close friend can be and usually is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Never say the word "divorce" as a threat unless you are ready to make a choice to leave the relationship. Never say things you do not mean. In anger we often say things that we later say we really didn't mean. You cannot un-ring a bell. Once the words are spoken, they are out there and regardless of whether you let it slip, those words can do great damage to the relationship. Never say, "I'm just telling you how I feel" as an excuse when you have said something hurtful. You cannot whitewash thoughtless and careless comments by claiming to express your feelings. While it is true that feelings that are buried alive never die, you must choose the right time and the most loving words to express yourself to your partner. Think before you speak! When you are angry is a good time to take a time-out to carefully choose your words, then come back later and say, "When you do (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank)." That manner of speaking cushions the conversation, making it easier for your partner to listen and has what you say be not about what they did or are doing, but how you are feeling. No one can argue with your feelings. That doesn't mean they won't. They may say, "You shouldn't feel that way," to try to make you feel better, however that is never a good thing to say. You are the one who chooses to feel that way and you have a right to let your partner know by using the most loving words you can. The lesson to be learned from this thoughtless comment is clear. "Never invalidate your partner's feelings!" It does damage to the relationship and to your partner's self esteem. Never argue with your love partner's feelings. That is one argument you will always lose. Only seek to understand for what reason he or she feels that way. Learn to appreciate and respect your lover's different point of view. When it comes to feelings, no one is wrong. You can say, "I'm sorry," once and you may be forgiven, however if you continue to say bad things - even though you say you're sorry - they can drive a wedge between you and your partner. Thoughtless words give birth to frustration, resentment, anger and more! How do you change this unacceptable behavior? It's simple. Not easy. You must first change your attitude about yourself and your partner. Change your thinking, then you change your behavior and only then can your relationship change. Weigh your words! Think before you speak. If you are angry, take a break, then come back later and say what needs to be said in the most loving way you can. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at! So, if you know and can acknowledge that there is a problem, that's half of getting it solved. The next step is to actively change your behavior. Cold turkey is best! Immediately STOP what you are doing that contributes to the problem. Just don't do that anymore. Live in the moment! Be the best you can be to yourself and to your partner! Copyright © - Larry James - Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship" by Larry James
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